On Losing Relationships

Tuesday, August 8, 2017

Hi, I'm still here.

I'm trying to get myself up as midterms are coming and overthinking is clearly what I'm doing right now. I'm also trying to get my old self trying to figure out what blog post should be published next but no matter how I rack my brain for topics, it won't come out. Forcing is not an obvious answer. 

For someone to write, one must be wholehearted of what she is writing. Then thoughts would come out as she type those words.
This is what I'm trying to do now. I've been writing for hours, pressing backspace for the nth time, clueless of what to write. I'm also afraid of being judged for my wrong grammar but writing is my therapy. 

Back to the title of this post, I've lost several friendships and I don't know why, too. I always stay and give my all but why are they leaving me? Am I not enough? I already cried many times because of these broken friendships I had several years ago and every time someone approaches me, I'm scared. I'm scared of being left floating again. I'm afraid to invest another efforts. What I'm trying to do is to take care of my feelings and think twice before laughing with the person I am with. 

Laughing. There you go. 

There must be something with the laugh you're seeing with people. Some are genuine, some are fake.

Lately, I exchanged email with D.R. and while reading those, a little light came to my way and that's still the hope I am giving in to. I'm glad she aired her side but those are enough to tell me that I am a trash for her. 

If we are close, you knew what happened to us. And it's not miscommunication, D.R. I understand your situation but covering your sour candies into sweet doesn't help. It's clear and obvious. Or maybe I am the only one? 

Again, I cried. And for the longest time, I tried to take my own life. I tried overdosing and didn't helped. Because what, if I killed myself, will she care? NOPE. She will continue her life without me and that's the truth. Done. 

On losing relationships or should I say friendships, it's hard. It's harder than breaking up with your boyfriend. It's the equivalent of you and your Mom fighting. 

I cared. I cared. But those efforts are not enough. 

The universe does not want us to be friends again. 

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